Purging of emotions

So, this blog is sort of a rant or purging of emotions I've had recently that I really just need to get out. Just a few things really.

I was able to go to Provo last weekend and I met Calvin's friend. I can't recall if he has a blog or not. But, it was extremely interesting to see how Calvin interacts with others with the same situation. I became really comfortable around him and could see why Calvin is friends with this guy. I've been pondering a lot recently the relationship I have with Calvin. Sometimes I just want to give up because it feels like he doesn't want to be my friend--never responding to calls, texts, emails, facebook wall posts, but something tells me over and over that I just need to be patient and remember that I was someone he trusted with his secret (which almost seems not so secret anymore..) and that he cares for me--even if he's really crappy at showing it. Perhaps I'm the one crappy at showing it. Who knows. We've been friends for years and a little thing like this can't change a thing. What else am I to do? How more can I help? Will he help me with my matters?

Next, I've been real lonely recently. I'm trying to figure out why I've felt this way. Perhaps it's my distanced relationship with Calvin, maybe the fact that Kelsey has a boyfriend and two jobs which makes it difficult to find time to talk to her. Maybe it's that I feel so disconnected from my ward here at school. Maybe that all of my roommates aren't people I want to live up to and who never talk to me. Maybe it's this unsatisfied feeling about everything in my life. Maybe it's that I have no place to live in 2 months. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I hope to be graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology but... what then? I know I want to serve a mission. Grad school would be the next best thing, but with my grades, how will I ever get accepted? I've just felt so displeased with how I've been living my life it has caught up with me and I want to get away.

Lately I've been having the same impressions. In my Doctrine and Covenants class, we talked about Spiritual Gifts. It made me wonder what my spiritual gifts are. Certainly not teaching, humility, patience or charity. I have much room for improvement there. But one thing I really believe I have the gift of is knowledge of right or wrong. I don't know if it's just the Spirit giving me promptings, cause I've never felt it so strong like this before, but any thought, action or thought of an action that I have had recently, I know the answer or correct course of action immediately. What is disappointing is I don't always follow this knowledge. I'm so lazy and selfish. I am one of the most selfish people I know. I want to work on this bad. Very bad. Where do I begin? How can I motivate myself to do what I know is right? If I continue on this path of rejecting my gift, will it leave me? How much harder will life be once that happens?

I feel that I want to be done with school just so I may have time for myself. My own set schedule. I can exercise and read my scriptures in the morning. Perhaps eat more properly. Write more lyrics and stories. Feel like the time I have would be a good one to call all of my dearest friends. Something about all of this "free" time makes me think my lazy self would become even more lazy and continue to not do what I should. I am getting more confused and frustrated. I really hope that my depression isn't coming back.

WOO it felt good to get that off of my chest. Any comments would be wonderful. Thanks internet friends. :)

-Charlie

PS. Charlie is the name of the character in "Gray Matters" that Tom Cavanaugh's character Sam, and Heather Graham's character Gray, are in love with. Yes, you read that correctly. Interesting film, very pro-gay. I'm still undecided about how I feel.