Wow, it's been a really long time since I posted! I can't believe it. I'd like to say that I have been really busy (though I have) but I've also been really not busy and really really bored. I've been lazy and just can't think of anything to write. :( But seeing as this is basically my "MoHo" blog, I guess I have something to post about right now. I just went to my first FHE at the Matis's. (I think that's how to spell it) and all I can say is, wow! I loved it! I really enjoyed the sweet testimony of the man that spoke and sister Matis just is absolutely wonderful, I see why Kyle likes her. I was super excited to be having food afterwards too. hahah I hadn't eaten a thing all day. Ok, that's not entirely true, but it had been like 8 hours since I had ate anything.
This is apparently going to be a super short post. I just really wanted to say how much I enjoyed the Matis' FHE. Also, I've been able to get to know another MoHo a little bit, and I just want to say how much I love that guy. He is really super nice and hearing what he had to say to a dear friend tonight was very touching. It made me a little sad actually because I miss friends like that. I don't know if it's because I have changed, if my friends have changed or if I just don't talk to the friends who I used to talk like that with or what.... I think I'm just lonely. I'm definitely more depressed these days than I have been in a long while.
Anyway, guess I just wanted to say I'm still alive and that this blog isn't dead. :)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Truly my eyes open
Ok so I started writing this blog like a month and a half ago and just now I edited a few things and changed the tense but I guess I still wanted to share. Here goes.
Lately I have felt like I am thrust into the whole MoHo world. And honestly, that is not a bad thing. I have become great friends with a growing number of these men. It is interesting how quickly you can become devoted and passionate about a cause. Ask me a year ago about my feelings on gay people, and I would not be able to really give you a straight (haha no pun intended) answer. I didn’t really have an opinion. I knew that I didn’t hate those that were of that orientation and I knew that I wasn’t disgusted at the thought. Now . . . I get really annoyed at closed minded people who believe that all those who are gay or deal with SSA are “icky” and are just not true to themselves, they really just have other problems and are using this one as an excuse. Ugh, that makes me so annoyed. Especially at this university where there are a million very conservative people who haven’t dealt with this issue and can’t accept it. Be inclusive, not exclusive. Anyway, my point is, my friends are my friends. If they have an issue they are dealing with, I want to help them—I don’t care what the issue is. I may not endorse certain actions, but I want to understand their values and opinions and help them stick to those.
Last year I had an opportunity to see Calvin interact with another man. It was really weird. I’ll be honest about that. It was my first time seeing him after he had told me about his SSA. Even though we talked for many months about his SSA and I heard about things that were going on in his life (mainly from other people), parts of it still didn’t click. Two months ago I went to see my friends Delilah, Calvin, Brady and Sean. Delilah has had tons of opportunity to see the “gay side” of Calvin, heck she even dated Brady for a while. So, that weekend it was definitely an eye opener. I bet they all thought I was weird cause I didn’t stop laughing the whole three days I was there. Parts of it honestly were because I was uncomfortable. It made a lot of the stuff I had been hearing for 10 months come to life. I guess in a way, it made the struggle more obvious. Calvin has a hard time opening up and just talking about things, and often times you just won’t hear from him, and so going down to see him and basically re-meeting Sean, I was able to see for myself what he doesn’t talk about. And to be quite honest, there really isn’t anything to be concerned about. It was just very different seeing those interactions.
And now, after I feel I’ve had a chance to get to know Sean, and Brady better than before, I can really understand them better because I’ve observed them in situations and so forth.
To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going on about in this blog. These were just some thoughts I had. Thought I’d share.
Here’s a joke.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change itself.
Lately I have felt like I am thrust into the whole MoHo world. And honestly, that is not a bad thing. I have become great friends with a growing number of these men. It is interesting how quickly you can become devoted and passionate about a cause. Ask me a year ago about my feelings on gay people, and I would not be able to really give you a straight (haha no pun intended) answer. I didn’t really have an opinion. I knew that I didn’t hate those that were of that orientation and I knew that I wasn’t disgusted at the thought. Now . . . I get really annoyed at closed minded people who believe that all those who are gay or deal with SSA are “icky” and are just not true to themselves, they really just have other problems and are using this one as an excuse. Ugh, that makes me so annoyed. Especially at this university where there are a million very conservative people who haven’t dealt with this issue and can’t accept it. Be inclusive, not exclusive. Anyway, my point is, my friends are my friends. If they have an issue they are dealing with, I want to help them—I don’t care what the issue is. I may not endorse certain actions, but I want to understand their values and opinions and help them stick to those.
Last year I had an opportunity to see Calvin interact with another man. It was really weird. I’ll be honest about that. It was my first time seeing him after he had told me about his SSA. Even though we talked for many months about his SSA and I heard about things that were going on in his life (mainly from other people), parts of it still didn’t click. Two months ago I went to see my friends Delilah, Calvin, Brady and Sean. Delilah has had tons of opportunity to see the “gay side” of Calvin, heck she even dated Brady for a while. So, that weekend it was definitely an eye opener. I bet they all thought I was weird cause I didn’t stop laughing the whole three days I was there. Parts of it honestly were because I was uncomfortable. It made a lot of the stuff I had been hearing for 10 months come to life. I guess in a way, it made the struggle more obvious. Calvin has a hard time opening up and just talking about things, and often times you just won’t hear from him, and so going down to see him and basically re-meeting Sean, I was able to see for myself what he doesn’t talk about. And to be quite honest, there really isn’t anything to be concerned about. It was just very different seeing those interactions.
And now, after I feel I’ve had a chance to get to know Sean, and Brady better than before, I can really understand them better because I’ve observed them in situations and so forth.
To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going on about in this blog. These were just some thoughts I had. Thought I’d share.
Here’s a joke.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change itself.
www.mangocafe.blogspot.com
Just so you are all aware, I DO have another blog and it contains all of my creative writing. I haven't put up anything in a while (well, I posted today, but nothing new) but you can still go and read the stuff I've posted in the past. I ALWAYS love hearing critiques and praises about my writing. I have poems, song lyrics and short stories or unfinished stories in there. I would post more if more people read sooooo..... go to it!
By the way, Im currently writing a story about 4 gay guys at BYU haha so, eventually I'll put something up. Maybe when I have a first draft of my first chapter. we'll see.
By the way, Im currently writing a story about 4 gay guys at BYU haha so, eventually I'll put something up. Maybe when I have a first draft of my first chapter. we'll see.
Friday, February 1, 2008
President Hinckley
I just thought this was interesting.
"The passing of President Hinckley was discussed extensively on the “blogosphere.” The day following his death, a new blog post was published about him every couple of minutes. According to Blogpulse, a service that tracks trends in blogs, President Gordon B. Hinckley was the third most mentioned person in the blogosphere on Monday, 28 January." - Austria National Radio (Austria) http://mbl.is/mm/frettir/erlent/2008/01/28/forseti_mormonasafnadarins_latinn/
There also happened to be a flood of text messages and phone calls the night of his death along the Wasatch front making some service providers unable to carry the influx of communication.
"The passing of President Hinckley was discussed extensively on the “blogosphere.” The day following his death, a new blog post was published about him every couple of minutes. According to Blogpulse, a service that tracks trends in blogs, President Gordon B. Hinckley was the third most mentioned person in the blogosphere on Monday, 28 January." - Austria National Radio (Austria) http://mbl.is/mm/frettir/erlent/2008/01/28/forseti_mormonasafnadarins_latinn/
There also happened to be a flood of text messages and phone calls the night of his death along the Wasatch front making some service providers unable to carry the influx of communication.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Forming a pillar
I have a big blog on the way, but I just wanted to post a little something that I just thought of.
So, lately I have been able to get to know a lot more people in the SSA community and they've become some of my dearest friends. I am currently going into a life crisis and so I am constantly thinking of everything and what things mean. Especially with the passing of President Gordon B. Hinckley, I am thinking about how prepared I am for death... I am definitely not prepared for that. My sister passed away at age 25--that's only 2 years off for me. So, it's on my mind often.
But as I think about these "gay" friends that I have, I see the struggle they constantly have with life. It pains me because I love them and want the best for those that I love and I can't think of anything I could do to help. In a way I feel that I've been able to become fast friends with them because of the understanding I am having about SSA and also just their caring and open personalities. It makes me just realize how trivial everything in life is. I have some friends who I've known for YEARS that I am barely close to. And yet, Brady and Sean who I've known for olny like... 2 good weekends and a lot of text messaging... I think I am so close to them because these are real problems. This is true human anguish and concern as opposed to all the petty redundant things that most people worry about.
I am learning so much about myself, the way I feel about people, where my testimony stands, and who I want to be just from the experiences that I have had with Calvin, Brady and Sean. If I am the only pillar they might have in a moment of need, I need to be firmly rooted in what I know so that the weight of the situation doesn't make both of us fall. It's amazing to me how scary life beyond college seems now that I am so close to being done. I haven't really felt like an adult and I'll soon have to be a real one. Now is the time to solidify myself so that when I'm faced with more of these REAL emotions out there, I won't go nuts.
So, lately I have been able to get to know a lot more people in the SSA community and they've become some of my dearest friends. I am currently going into a life crisis and so I am constantly thinking of everything and what things mean. Especially with the passing of President Gordon B. Hinckley, I am thinking about how prepared I am for death... I am definitely not prepared for that. My sister passed away at age 25--that's only 2 years off for me. So, it's on my mind often.
But as I think about these "gay" friends that I have, I see the struggle they constantly have with life. It pains me because I love them and want the best for those that I love and I can't think of anything I could do to help. In a way I feel that I've been able to become fast friends with them because of the understanding I am having about SSA and also just their caring and open personalities. It makes me just realize how trivial everything in life is. I have some friends who I've known for YEARS that I am barely close to. And yet, Brady and Sean who I've known for olny like... 2 good weekends and a lot of text messaging... I think I am so close to them because these are real problems. This is true human anguish and concern as opposed to all the petty redundant things that most people worry about.
I am learning so much about myself, the way I feel about people, where my testimony stands, and who I want to be just from the experiences that I have had with Calvin, Brady and Sean. If I am the only pillar they might have in a moment of need, I need to be firmly rooted in what I know so that the weight of the situation doesn't make both of us fall. It's amazing to me how scary life beyond college seems now that I am so close to being done. I haven't really felt like an adult and I'll soon have to be a real one. Now is the time to solidify myself so that when I'm faced with more of these REAL emotions out there, I won't go nuts.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Reflections
Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't felt too into it to be honest. Although, I guess nothing has happened in my life worth mentioning! Nothing recently, anyway. However, I went home for a quick jaunt this last week. It was a much needed trip. I feel it has rejuvinated me and in perfect timing, of course, with the start of a new semester.
When I was home, my grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends and friends of the family all were asking me how school was going and what it was that I was studying. Most, though not surprisingly, thought I was studying music. And most, if not all, were shocked to hear that it was, in fact, psychology that I am studying.
The last few months have made me not so excited about the idea of going into the field of psychology. Being a marriage and family counselor would be fun, though. But even with my scholarship in psychology and the 4-5 classes left I have for it, I don't think this is what I want to do.
Something that was so obvious to all those who knew me growing up apparently seemed to be a mere unatainable fantasy that I brushed away as impossible.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a famous singer. In those days, it would be in comparison to Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Amy Grant. As time wore on, I had my quick desires to be an actress, but come my last semester in high school, I yearned write!
Following events that lead up to my arrival at college, I forgot about ambitions and desires for the future. Nearly a year and a half had passed since I started that creative writing class my senior year. But as I took my Generals, one being an English class, that desire was revived. I enrolled to be an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing. All was well. I even chose to be a music minor.
3 years went by and it was time for a change. I was unhappy. Perhaps it was the Advanced Creative Writing professor that I had who didn't give me too much encouragement. OR it could have been the nervousness of not having a stable, supporting job with my major or minor. Where could I go in life with that? Looking at different classes this university offers, Psychology intrigued me. I changed my major.
Now I'm about to graduate (two semesters left!), I have a scholarship, and a job that would look good on grad school applications. Oh but, grad school, that little thing. Can I possibly be accepted into grad school? Do I even want to go to grad school? I'm pretty positive the answer to that is no.
S0, to the point of my story. Everyone expect(s)(ed) me to be a music major! Studying voice and learning to compose, becoming that next Celine Dion, or perhaps Charlotte Church! The female Josh Groban! HA! And now, what should have been the smart, happy, right choice is way too far in the past and nowhere near being acheivable. The days of my formal education are over. . . well, at least for now. The thought does toy with me to someday return and use my minor credits to be in favor of a major and recieve a second bachelors in music. But something keeps puzzling me. Why did it feel so right to be come a Creative Writing AND Psychology major? If I could--I would receive a degree in all three areas! There isn't enough money or patience in this world to make that a reality.
Now, as I embark on this last leg of my journey to the beginnings of my future, I contemplate not upon what could have been, but what felt right and what I can achieve and accomplish now. I am taking an acting class this semester. Perhaps this will show me just how great, or not so great, I am at such a thrilling skill and talent.
The only conclusions, or possibilities I should say, that I have come up with so far, is to combine all 4 (music, acting, writing, psychology) of my "talents" and ambitions into one. What is that you ask? Writing reviews. I'm not sure how fun it would be, but it would give me time to visit favorite websites all the time and I could do this for all areas of my life.
What do you think? Did I go through college to have a BS in Psychology to write music/movie/book reviews for the general public?
My dream place to be though would have to be sitting in my beautiful home with a gorgeous family writing novels in my free time and taking my few precious moments alone to embark on the journey that is writing and recording music.
When I was home, my grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends and friends of the family all were asking me how school was going and what it was that I was studying. Most, though not surprisingly, thought I was studying music. And most, if not all, were shocked to hear that it was, in fact, psychology that I am studying.
The last few months have made me not so excited about the idea of going into the field of psychology. Being a marriage and family counselor would be fun, though. But even with my scholarship in psychology and the 4-5 classes left I have for it, I don't think this is what I want to do.
Something that was so obvious to all those who knew me growing up apparently seemed to be a mere unatainable fantasy that I brushed away as impossible.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a famous singer. In those days, it would be in comparison to Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Amy Grant. As time wore on, I had my quick desires to be an actress, but come my last semester in high school, I yearned write!
Following events that lead up to my arrival at college, I forgot about ambitions and desires for the future. Nearly a year and a half had passed since I started that creative writing class my senior year. But as I took my Generals, one being an English class, that desire was revived. I enrolled to be an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing. All was well. I even chose to be a music minor.
3 years went by and it was time for a change. I was unhappy. Perhaps it was the Advanced Creative Writing professor that I had who didn't give me too much encouragement. OR it could have been the nervousness of not having a stable, supporting job with my major or minor. Where could I go in life with that? Looking at different classes this university offers, Psychology intrigued me. I changed my major.
Now I'm about to graduate (two semesters left!), I have a scholarship, and a job that would look good on grad school applications. Oh but, grad school, that little thing. Can I possibly be accepted into grad school? Do I even want to go to grad school? I'm pretty positive the answer to that is no.
S0, to the point of my story. Everyone expect(s)(ed) me to be a music major! Studying voice and learning to compose, becoming that next Celine Dion, or perhaps Charlotte Church! The female Josh Groban! HA! And now, what should have been the smart, happy, right choice is way too far in the past and nowhere near being acheivable. The days of my formal education are over. . . well, at least for now. The thought does toy with me to someday return and use my minor credits to be in favor of a major and recieve a second bachelors in music. But something keeps puzzling me. Why did it feel so right to be come a Creative Writing AND Psychology major? If I could--I would receive a degree in all three areas! There isn't enough money or patience in this world to make that a reality.
Now, as I embark on this last leg of my journey to the beginnings of my future, I contemplate not upon what could have been, but what felt right and what I can achieve and accomplish now. I am taking an acting class this semester. Perhaps this will show me just how great, or not so great, I am at such a thrilling skill and talent.
The only conclusions, or possibilities I should say, that I have come up with so far, is to combine all 4 (music, acting, writing, psychology) of my "talents" and ambitions into one. What is that you ask? Writing reviews. I'm not sure how fun it would be, but it would give me time to visit favorite websites all the time and I could do this for all areas of my life.
What do you think? Did I go through college to have a BS in Psychology to write music/movie/book reviews for the general public?
My dream place to be though would have to be sitting in my beautiful home with a gorgeous family writing novels in my free time and taking my few precious moments alone to embark on the journey that is writing and recording music.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Eight facts about me and how I'm ... not ... gay
So Gimple posted his eight gay mormon facts about himself and...asked me to do the same. Seeing as I'm not gay, this will be interesting. lol
THE RULES
All right, here are the rules. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
1. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
1. Last Christmas, I recorded my first Christmas album in a professional studio. I can't tell you how cool that was. Even though it was a very rushed CD.
2. My teeth are probably in horrible condition because I habitually bite my nails and chew on pens. Yeah, I know, not attractive. This is probably why I don't date.
3. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I know right off the bat I'll have low self-esteem that day. There is no such thing as "this hair is good for a day or two more before I take a shower." Some people may be able to get away with it, but not me. I need my showers.
4. I love writing and would like to write more. Lyrics, stories, fan-fiction, plays, etc. I'm not sure how good I am, but it's something I really enjoy. In fact, I have a blog about it. Go here.
5. I correct everyone on their pronunciations and spelling and grammar. Most of the time I don't call you on it, but I still shudder and wish that you would stop. Although a lot of time things are up to preference. i.e. Stacey on What Not to Wear makes me cringe anytime she says "empire waist..." Ahm-piere? Uhhhhh.......
6. I enjoy going camando. However, I hardly ever do it. Also, it is off limits when wearing a skirt. the end.
7. If I were a lesbian, I would be a pretty one. I love my long hair, thank you. No mullets!
8. And last but not least, I have a confession. Something my closest friends don't even know... On a dare, I kissed my friend Ruth while we were in a swimming pool--yup, on the lips. That was weird.
Ok so only the last two were gay-esque. But, weren't they good pieces of information anyway?
Eight people hu? how about.... 1? That's all I know, excluding Gimple, Salad (who is also not gay, even though her fiance is) and her fiance, Drex because they already did this! Calvin is basically the only one left. He's been asked to do it, but hasn't yet sooo maybe I can catch him to do it. :)
THE RULES
All right, here are the rules. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
1. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
1. Last Christmas, I recorded my first Christmas album in a professional studio. I can't tell you how cool that was. Even though it was a very rushed CD.
2. My teeth are probably in horrible condition because I habitually bite my nails and chew on pens. Yeah, I know, not attractive. This is probably why I don't date.
3. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I know right off the bat I'll have low self-esteem that day. There is no such thing as "this hair is good for a day or two more before I take a shower." Some people may be able to get away with it, but not me. I need my showers.
4. I love writing and would like to write more. Lyrics, stories, fan-fiction, plays, etc. I'm not sure how good I am, but it's something I really enjoy. In fact, I have a blog about it. Go here.
5. I correct everyone on their pronunciations and spelling and grammar. Most of the time I don't call you on it, but I still shudder and wish that you would stop. Although a lot of time things are up to preference. i.e. Stacey on What Not to Wear makes me cringe anytime she says "empire waist..." Ahm-piere? Uhhhhh.......
6. I enjoy going camando. However, I hardly ever do it. Also, it is off limits when wearing a skirt. the end.
7. If I were a lesbian, I would be a pretty one. I love my long hair, thank you. No mullets!
8. And last but not least, I have a confession. Something my closest friends don't even know... On a dare, I kissed my friend Ruth while we were in a swimming pool--yup, on the lips. That was weird.
Ok so only the last two were gay-esque. But, weren't they good pieces of information anyway?
Eight people hu? how about.... 1? That's all I know, excluding Gimple, Salad (who is also not gay, even though her fiance is) and her fiance, Drex because they already did this! Calvin is basically the only one left. He's been asked to do it, but hasn't yet sooo maybe I can catch him to do it. :)
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