Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't felt too into it to be honest. Although, I guess nothing has happened in my life worth mentioning! Nothing recently, anyway. However, I went home for a quick jaunt this last week. It was a much needed trip. I feel it has rejuvinated me and in perfect timing, of course, with the start of a new semester.
When I was home, my grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends and friends of the family all were asking me how school was going and what it was that I was studying. Most, though not surprisingly, thought I was studying music. And most, if not all, were shocked to hear that it was, in fact, psychology that I am studying.
The last few months have made me not so excited about the idea of going into the field of psychology. Being a marriage and family counselor would be fun, though. But even with my scholarship in psychology and the 4-5 classes left I have for it, I don't think this is what I want to do.
Something that was so obvious to all those who knew me growing up apparently seemed to be a mere unatainable fantasy that I brushed away as impossible.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a famous singer. In those days, it would be in comparison to Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Amy Grant. As time wore on, I had my quick desires to be an actress, but come my last semester in high school, I yearned write!
Following events that lead up to my arrival at college, I forgot about ambitions and desires for the future. Nearly a year and a half had passed since I started that creative writing class my senior year. But as I took my Generals, one being an English class, that desire was revived. I enrolled to be an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing. All was well. I even chose to be a music minor.
3 years went by and it was time for a change. I was unhappy. Perhaps it was the Advanced Creative Writing professor that I had who didn't give me too much encouragement. OR it could have been the nervousness of not having a stable, supporting job with my major or minor. Where could I go in life with that? Looking at different classes this university offers, Psychology intrigued me. I changed my major.
Now I'm about to graduate (two semesters left!), I have a scholarship, and a job that would look good on grad school applications. Oh but, grad school, that little thing. Can I possibly be accepted into grad school? Do I even want to go to grad school? I'm pretty positive the answer to that is no.
S0, to the point of my story. Everyone expect(s)(ed) me to be a music major! Studying voice and learning to compose, becoming that next Celine Dion, or perhaps Charlotte Church! The female Josh Groban! HA! And now, what should have been the smart, happy, right choice is way too far in the past and nowhere near being acheivable. The days of my formal education are over. . . well, at least for now. The thought does toy with me to someday return and use my minor credits to be in favor of a major and recieve a second bachelors in music. But something keeps puzzling me. Why did it feel so right to be come a Creative Writing AND Psychology major? If I could--I would receive a degree in all three areas! There isn't enough money or patience in this world to make that a reality.
Now, as I embark on this last leg of my journey to the beginnings of my future, I contemplate not upon what could have been, but what felt right and what I can achieve and accomplish now. I am taking an acting class this semester. Perhaps this will show me just how great, or not so great, I am at such a thrilling skill and talent.
The only conclusions, or possibilities I should say, that I have come up with so far, is to combine all 4 (music, acting, writing, psychology) of my "talents" and ambitions into one. What is that you ask? Writing reviews. I'm not sure how fun it would be, but it would give me time to visit favorite websites all the time and I could do this for all areas of my life.
What do you think? Did I go through college to have a BS in Psychology to write music/movie/book reviews for the general public?
My dream place to be though would have to be sitting in my beautiful home with a gorgeous family writing novels in my free time and taking my few precious moments alone to embark on the journey that is writing and recording music.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Eight facts about me and how I'm ... not ... gay
So Gimple posted his eight gay mormon facts about himself and...asked me to do the same. Seeing as I'm not gay, this will be interesting. lol
THE RULES
All right, here are the rules. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
1. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
1. Last Christmas, I recorded my first Christmas album in a professional studio. I can't tell you how cool that was. Even though it was a very rushed CD.
2. My teeth are probably in horrible condition because I habitually bite my nails and chew on pens. Yeah, I know, not attractive. This is probably why I don't date.
3. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I know right off the bat I'll have low self-esteem that day. There is no such thing as "this hair is good for a day or two more before I take a shower." Some people may be able to get away with it, but not me. I need my showers.
4. I love writing and would like to write more. Lyrics, stories, fan-fiction, plays, etc. I'm not sure how good I am, but it's something I really enjoy. In fact, I have a blog about it. Go here.
5. I correct everyone on their pronunciations and spelling and grammar. Most of the time I don't call you on it, but I still shudder and wish that you would stop. Although a lot of time things are up to preference. i.e. Stacey on What Not to Wear makes me cringe anytime she says "empire waist..." Ahm-piere? Uhhhhh.......
6. I enjoy going camando. However, I hardly ever do it. Also, it is off limits when wearing a skirt. the end.
7. If I were a lesbian, I would be a pretty one. I love my long hair, thank you. No mullets!
8. And last but not least, I have a confession. Something my closest friends don't even know... On a dare, I kissed my friend Ruth while we were in a swimming pool--yup, on the lips. That was weird.
Ok so only the last two were gay-esque. But, weren't they good pieces of information anyway?
Eight people hu? how about.... 1? That's all I know, excluding Gimple, Salad (who is also not gay, even though her fiance is) and her fiance, Drex because they already did this! Calvin is basically the only one left. He's been asked to do it, but hasn't yet sooo maybe I can catch him to do it. :)
THE RULES
All right, here are the rules. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
1. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
1. Last Christmas, I recorded my first Christmas album in a professional studio. I can't tell you how cool that was. Even though it was a very rushed CD.
2. My teeth are probably in horrible condition because I habitually bite my nails and chew on pens. Yeah, I know, not attractive. This is probably why I don't date.
3. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I know right off the bat I'll have low self-esteem that day. There is no such thing as "this hair is good for a day or two more before I take a shower." Some people may be able to get away with it, but not me. I need my showers.
4. I love writing and would like to write more. Lyrics, stories, fan-fiction, plays, etc. I'm not sure how good I am, but it's something I really enjoy. In fact, I have a blog about it. Go here.
5. I correct everyone on their pronunciations and spelling and grammar. Most of the time I don't call you on it, but I still shudder and wish that you would stop. Although a lot of time things are up to preference. i.e. Stacey on What Not to Wear makes me cringe anytime she says "empire waist..." Ahm-piere? Uhhhhh.......
6. I enjoy going camando. However, I hardly ever do it. Also, it is off limits when wearing a skirt. the end.
7. If I were a lesbian, I would be a pretty one. I love my long hair, thank you. No mullets!
8. And last but not least, I have a confession. Something my closest friends don't even know... On a dare, I kissed my friend Ruth while we were in a swimming pool--yup, on the lips. That was weird.
Ok so only the last two were gay-esque. But, weren't they good pieces of information anyway?
Eight people hu? how about.... 1? That's all I know, excluding Gimple, Salad (who is also not gay, even though her fiance is) and her fiance, Drex because they already did this! Calvin is basically the only one left. He's been asked to do it, but hasn't yet sooo maybe I can catch him to do it. :)
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Purging of emotions
So, this blog is sort of a rant or purging of emotions I've had recently that I really just need to get out. Just a few things really.
I was able to go to Provo last weekend and I met Calvin's friend. I can't recall if he has a blog or not. But, it was extremely interesting to see how Calvin interacts with others with the same situation. I became really comfortable around him and could see why Calvin is friends with this guy. I've been pondering a lot recently the relationship I have with Calvin. Sometimes I just want to give up because it feels like he doesn't want to be my friend--never responding to calls, texts, emails, facebook wall posts, but something tells me over and over that I just need to be patient and remember that I was someone he trusted with his secret (which almost seems not so secret anymore..) and that he cares for me--even if he's really crappy at showing it. Perhaps I'm the one crappy at showing it. Who knows. We've been friends for years and a little thing like this can't change a thing. What else am I to do? How more can I help? Will he help me with my matters?
Next, I've been real lonely recently. I'm trying to figure out why I've felt this way. Perhaps it's my distanced relationship with Calvin, maybe the fact that Kelsey has a boyfriend and two jobs which makes it difficult to find time to talk to her. Maybe it's that I feel so disconnected from my ward here at school. Maybe that all of my roommates aren't people I want to live up to and who never talk to me. Maybe it's this unsatisfied feeling about everything in my life. Maybe it's that I have no place to live in 2 months. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I hope to be graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology but... what then? I know I want to serve a mission. Grad school would be the next best thing, but with my grades, how will I ever get accepted? I've just felt so displeased with how I've been living my life it has caught up with me and I want to get away.
Lately I've been having the same impressions. In my Doctrine and Covenants class, we talked about Spiritual Gifts. It made me wonder what my spiritual gifts are. Certainly not teaching, humility, patience or charity. I have much room for improvement there. But one thing I really believe I have the gift of is knowledge of right or wrong. I don't know if it's just the Spirit giving me promptings, cause I've never felt it so strong like this before, but any thought, action or thought of an action that I have had recently, I know the answer or correct course of action immediately. What is disappointing is I don't always follow this knowledge. I'm so lazy and selfish. I am one of the most selfish people I know. I want to work on this bad. Very bad. Where do I begin? How can I motivate myself to do what I know is right? If I continue on this path of rejecting my gift, will it leave me? How much harder will life be once that happens?
I feel that I want to be done with school just so I may have time for myself. My own set schedule. I can exercise and read my scriptures in the morning. Perhaps eat more properly. Write more lyrics and stories. Feel like the time I have would be a good one to call all of my dearest friends. Something about all of this "free" time makes me think my lazy self would become even more lazy and continue to not do what I should. I am getting more confused and frustrated. I really hope that my depression isn't coming back.
WOO it felt good to get that off of my chest. Any comments would be wonderful. Thanks internet friends. :)
-Charlie
PS. Charlie is the name of the character in "Gray Matters" that Tom Cavanaugh's character Sam, and Heather Graham's character Gray, are in love with. Yes, you read that correctly. Interesting film, very pro-gay. I'm still undecided about how I feel.
I was able to go to Provo last weekend and I met Calvin's friend. I can't recall if he has a blog or not. But, it was extremely interesting to see how Calvin interacts with others with the same situation. I became really comfortable around him and could see why Calvin is friends with this guy. I've been pondering a lot recently the relationship I have with Calvin. Sometimes I just want to give up because it feels like he doesn't want to be my friend--never responding to calls, texts, emails, facebook wall posts, but something tells me over and over that I just need to be patient and remember that I was someone he trusted with his secret (which almost seems not so secret anymore..) and that he cares for me--even if he's really crappy at showing it. Perhaps I'm the one crappy at showing it. Who knows. We've been friends for years and a little thing like this can't change a thing. What else am I to do? How more can I help? Will he help me with my matters?
Next, I've been real lonely recently. I'm trying to figure out why I've felt this way. Perhaps it's my distanced relationship with Calvin, maybe the fact that Kelsey has a boyfriend and two jobs which makes it difficult to find time to talk to her. Maybe it's that I feel so disconnected from my ward here at school. Maybe that all of my roommates aren't people I want to live up to and who never talk to me. Maybe it's this unsatisfied feeling about everything in my life. Maybe it's that I have no place to live in 2 months. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I hope to be graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology but... what then? I know I want to serve a mission. Grad school would be the next best thing, but with my grades, how will I ever get accepted? I've just felt so displeased with how I've been living my life it has caught up with me and I want to get away.
Lately I've been having the same impressions. In my Doctrine and Covenants class, we talked about Spiritual Gifts. It made me wonder what my spiritual gifts are. Certainly not teaching, humility, patience or charity. I have much room for improvement there. But one thing I really believe I have the gift of is knowledge of right or wrong. I don't know if it's just the Spirit giving me promptings, cause I've never felt it so strong like this before, but any thought, action or thought of an action that I have had recently, I know the answer or correct course of action immediately. What is disappointing is I don't always follow this knowledge. I'm so lazy and selfish. I am one of the most selfish people I know. I want to work on this bad. Very bad. Where do I begin? How can I motivate myself to do what I know is right? If I continue on this path of rejecting my gift, will it leave me? How much harder will life be once that happens?
I feel that I want to be done with school just so I may have time for myself. My own set schedule. I can exercise and read my scriptures in the morning. Perhaps eat more properly. Write more lyrics and stories. Feel like the time I have would be a good one to call all of my dearest friends. Something about all of this "free" time makes me think my lazy self would become even more lazy and continue to not do what I should. I am getting more confused and frustrated. I really hope that my depression isn't coming back.
WOO it felt good to get that off of my chest. Any comments would be wonderful. Thanks internet friends. :)
-Charlie
PS. Charlie is the name of the character in "Gray Matters" that Tom Cavanaugh's character Sam, and Heather Graham's character Gray, are in love with. Yes, you read that correctly. Interesting film, very pro-gay. I'm still undecided about how I feel.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
My real first encounter
What do I say to start a new blog!? This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I guess I really shouldn't worry. I think I will just start off by sharing my story.
About 3 1/2, almost 4 weeks ago, my best friend decided to have a chat with me. I was in town with a brief amount of time to spare, but I wouldn't have wanted to share that with anyone else. He "kidnapped" myself and our other friend and took us to what he knew to be a "secure" location. Unfortunately for him, he'd only been there during the night, when it was less busy. Nonetheless, it all worked out.
I wasn't sure what we were doing, but he informed us that he needed to talk. All the while, Delilah and I thought he would be speaking of his current "relations" with Delilah. Things had been so confusing between the two of them, and quite honestly, I couldn't understand why Calvin didn't want to date her! Their story, however, should be postponed until a future blog.
We were sitting on a bench, just outside of Salt Lake City, as he choked up and began to cry. I'm not sure if I've seen him cry before. I think I have, but this important event quickly took precedence over any other previous time.
First and foremost, Calvin wanted to know if we would all be friends forever. Duh! Of course we will be. But I guess it is always nice to actually hear it. He had said to us that he, over the last couple of months, had being seeing a counselor at BYU, where he goes to college. I already knew this, although wasn't sure for what reason. He said he was seeing this counselor because he found himself to be attracted to members of the same sex.
I'm not real sure what went through my head at this moment, if anything at all. This wasn't expected. Another blogger, salad, posted her response to a very similar situation that I find to fit perfectly. "After a moment of contemplation I was amazed that I didn't feel shocked, or stunned, or appalled, or any of the feelings that I felt that I should be feeling. Rather I felt my love for him intensify exponentially."
I guess this is where he really started to cry.
Aside from his counselor, and a little "accident" conversation with a gay friend from high school, Delilah and I were the first people he had told of his struggles.
He told us he still has a testimony and that if this trial could leave him, he'd want it to.
The rest of the conversation leaves my mind, but it wasn't a very long one. (I did only have about 40 minutes after all.) However, Delilah and I immediately responded with warm gestures and sentiments. The conversation was awkward because, being on a bench, none of us were looking at each other. This was probably for the best because eye contact at times like these is really hard. I wanted to hug Calvin so badly. However, I didn't want to make the first move. The relationship Delilah and Calvin have is a special one and I felt she should go to him first. (I was sitting in between them, a little awkward for a hug between the two, don'tcha think?) After she hugged him for a while, I quickly jumped in.
I cannot express to you how much my heart was soaring. I was on tour with my choir from BYU-I and had been on a spiritual high from that for a few days already. But this, this new quickly taken step in the friendship I have with Calvin was so much more. The love I have for him just jumped leaps and bounds. I knew right away that I wanted to help and let him know how much I love him.
I had to leave soon after this and knew I'd meet up with them later, after the concert that night. We didn't get a chance to talk much after ward, and even if we did, we had other friends there who hadn't been "informed" quite yet. One step at a time.
For the next three days or so, my mind wouldn't stop racing. Calvin, and guys? It didn't seem to connect. Was that a dream? I honestly couldn't focus on anything. Come Monday, for he told me on a Saturday, I went to the Deseret Bookstore to purchase anything that might be of value. I had heard about the book Quiet Desperation through the medium of an LDS website I visit. They had it in the store and so I bought. With no "looks" from the check out lady. I'm not gonna lie. I cried a lot the next few days.
Through having conversations with Delilah, I decided I needed a priesthood blessing. I wasn't able to do my homework. Honestly, I don't know why this was affecting me so much. Calvin said that anyone would react to it and that it takes time. I found a good friend I trusted and asked him to give me a blessing. It worked! Not that I doubted, but it really was a blessing. I was told Calvin was in God's hands and even though I should be there for him, I needed to concentrate on school. It was much easier after that.
Through the course of these last couple of weeks, Calvin and I have had many conversations. I can honestly say that I am closer to him than anyone else, perhaps even Delilah, maybe. I am trying to help as best as I can. I'm trying to learn. All of this is such a new experience for me. However, I really am grateful that Calvin chose me to tell of his trial. I feel that I've grown a lot already. There is still a long road ahead, but through love, friendship and especially through Jesus Christ, I know that he can acheive what he desperately wants--the acceptance through Jesus Christ into that Celestial Kingdom. Calvin has been my rod through many times of trial and when I needed an example of a righteous priesthood holder. He is my best friend. Being open and honest with each other just magnifies this fact.
Charlie
PS Calvin said my name Charlie might be confusing--so to clear anything up now, I am female.
About 3 1/2, almost 4 weeks ago, my best friend decided to have a chat with me. I was in town with a brief amount of time to spare, but I wouldn't have wanted to share that with anyone else. He "kidnapped" myself and our other friend and took us to what he knew to be a "secure" location. Unfortunately for him, he'd only been there during the night, when it was less busy. Nonetheless, it all worked out.
I wasn't sure what we were doing, but he informed us that he needed to talk. All the while, Delilah and I thought he would be speaking of his current "relations" with Delilah. Things had been so confusing between the two of them, and quite honestly, I couldn't understand why Calvin didn't want to date her! Their story, however, should be postponed until a future blog.
We were sitting on a bench, just outside of Salt Lake City, as he choked up and began to cry. I'm not sure if I've seen him cry before. I think I have, but this important event quickly took precedence over any other previous time.
First and foremost, Calvin wanted to know if we would all be friends forever. Duh! Of course we will be. But I guess it is always nice to actually hear it. He had said to us that he, over the last couple of months, had being seeing a counselor at BYU, where he goes to college. I already knew this, although wasn't sure for what reason. He said he was seeing this counselor because he found himself to be attracted to members of the same sex.
I'm not real sure what went through my head at this moment, if anything at all. This wasn't expected. Another blogger, salad, posted her response to a very similar situation that I find to fit perfectly. "After a moment of contemplation I was amazed that I didn't feel shocked, or stunned, or appalled, or any of the feelings that I felt that I should be feeling. Rather I felt my love for him intensify exponentially."
I guess this is where he really started to cry.
Aside from his counselor, and a little "accident" conversation with a gay friend from high school, Delilah and I were the first people he had told of his struggles.
He told us he still has a testimony and that if this trial could leave him, he'd want it to.
The rest of the conversation leaves my mind, but it wasn't a very long one. (I did only have about 40 minutes after all.) However, Delilah and I immediately responded with warm gestures and sentiments. The conversation was awkward because, being on a bench, none of us were looking at each other. This was probably for the best because eye contact at times like these is really hard. I wanted to hug Calvin so badly. However, I didn't want to make the first move. The relationship Delilah and Calvin have is a special one and I felt she should go to him first. (I was sitting in between them, a little awkward for a hug between the two, don'tcha think?) After she hugged him for a while, I quickly jumped in.
I cannot express to you how much my heart was soaring. I was on tour with my choir from BYU-I and had been on a spiritual high from that for a few days already. But this, this new quickly taken step in the friendship I have with Calvin was so much more. The love I have for him just jumped leaps and bounds. I knew right away that I wanted to help and let him know how much I love him.
I had to leave soon after this and knew I'd meet up with them later, after the concert that night. We didn't get a chance to talk much after ward, and even if we did, we had other friends there who hadn't been "informed" quite yet. One step at a time.
For the next three days or so, my mind wouldn't stop racing. Calvin, and guys? It didn't seem to connect. Was that a dream? I honestly couldn't focus on anything. Come Monday, for he told me on a Saturday, I went to the Deseret Bookstore to purchase anything that might be of value. I had heard about the book Quiet Desperation through the medium of an LDS website I visit. They had it in the store and so I bought. With no "looks" from the check out lady. I'm not gonna lie. I cried a lot the next few days.
Through having conversations with Delilah, I decided I needed a priesthood blessing. I wasn't able to do my homework. Honestly, I don't know why this was affecting me so much. Calvin said that anyone would react to it and that it takes time. I found a good friend I trusted and asked him to give me a blessing. It worked! Not that I doubted, but it really was a blessing. I was told Calvin was in God's hands and even though I should be there for him, I needed to concentrate on school. It was much easier after that.
Through the course of these last couple of weeks, Calvin and I have had many conversations. I can honestly say that I am closer to him than anyone else, perhaps even Delilah, maybe. I am trying to help as best as I can. I'm trying to learn. All of this is such a new experience for me. However, I really am grateful that Calvin chose me to tell of his trial. I feel that I've grown a lot already. There is still a long road ahead, but through love, friendship and especially through Jesus Christ, I know that he can acheive what he desperately wants--the acceptance through Jesus Christ into that Celestial Kingdom. Calvin has been my rod through many times of trial and when I needed an example of a righteous priesthood holder. He is my best friend. Being open and honest with each other just magnifies this fact.
Charlie
PS Calvin said my name Charlie might be confusing--so to clear anything up now, I am female.
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